Sweet sweet Life

So i've been here almost two months and it feels like i've known some of these people my whole life. Its crazy. And these people have some great follow through too. Thats the weird thing about people at job corps, they seem to be more real than some other people.

DISCLAIMER: I WAS ANGRY, HURT, AND TIRED WHEN WRITING THIS. THATS NOT AN EXCUSE, BUT ITS WHY IT SOUNDS SO ANGRY. I STILL LOVE YOU ALL. REALLY, I DO. I JUST GET PISSED THAT THIS HAPPENS.

so there are a bunch of you out there who call yourselves my "friends". Yeah, fuck all of you. i didnt think i would ever really write a letter like this, but i am...i would have posted it on myspace, so all of you could really see it, and read it, then hate me for it. The people who said they would write to me, call me, email me. I know you all have lives, and most likely they are more eventful than mine. Thats not really the point. it takes what, five minutes to write me an email? maybe an hour to write a letter? You sure have enough fucking time to go and get smashed or go and party. I know this sounds bad, i expect you to take time out that you could have to spend with the friends that are physically there with you. Dont forget the countless times i have driven you all around, paid for food, booze, movies, gas when im not driving amongst the plethora of other things that ive been there for you for. So i think you should all just go fuck yourselves. Its not that im really replacing you all with people up here, even though the people up here will meet you someplace when you want them to, or just generally be there for you when you need them. im sure you guys are having "a super hard time and a stressful life" fuck that too. no you arent. when was the last time you all had to pick up all of your shit and leave your friends? or have your friends get mixed up in some drugs and leave? its weird, even the people that have left here still talk to me more often than the people that i left behind. I used to be unsure about me going to the advanced training in San Fransisco, but now im sure i need to. I need to put some distance between me and the past for a while. I need you guys. My eatonites. i hate myself a little more each day because i feel like its my fault for leaving. I blame myself a lot. I might be at home for a week during the summer since im going to south dakota. i might spend all my time with nate again since he is pretty cool and he was the one that would call me when he wanted to hang out. or he would pay for gas. and food. i might just go to colorado springs and hang out with all the Great Friends that i have there. I dunno. IM pretty pissed right now. I had an 80 page notebook that i used for writting letters in. there are like 8 pages left. People that i didnt really count as great friends write me all the time. its tiring. everyday at mail call i expect to recieve some glorious letter from a great friend, but it never shows. i think im just bitching too much, nobody is going to read this anyway. so fuck that too. i dont know what to do with all of you . i still love you, and i will dedicate my useless time to you. i will write you letters, email, and call you. even if you leave me hanging...or if i call you and you only talk to me for 3 minutes because you have better things to do. Love is what drives me, hatred is what feeds me. hahaha. so yeah. talk to you bitches later. MUCH LOVE!!!

you think you have it all
then its blown to ashes
loving people deeply
wishing on eyelashes

you think its all together
until it falls apart
until you find youre missing
you unneeded heart

finding yourself wishing
things could always change
its your future you are pissing
and flushing down the drain

dont give yourself up yet
its hardly ever over
find a different path of life
and your fourleaf clover

how can i say goodbye
when im not there
how can you say you love me
when you never cared?

turn me away from you
tear me open from within
hold my beating heart
and bless my sacred sin

I cant look you in the eyes
with a smile on my face
I know why you did it
you had to put me in my place

My body is laying down
time taking me away
Im almost gone from you
Im almost under the ground

seperate my soul from bone
rip my tender flesh away
cut away my memories
and leave me wth my pain

dredge my mind for feeling
take me down a notch or two
analyze my thoughts of love
you wont find what you always knew


Death Always Knocks

The walls that surround me
are slowly closing in
im screaming silently
and collapsing from within

im trying to escape
im clawing my way out
my future seems so distant
my time is running out

the ceiling pushing down
my bones begin to break
my sould is being crushed
and my heart begins to ache

I have flashbacks of times
unclouded skies and smiles
I still smell the sweet air
it lingers for a little while

Death himself has arrived
and answer appears to me
i want to end it now
i want to die and bleed

He knocks at the door
and i begin to figure
if he barges in i'll answer
with the pull of a trigger.


Apprehensive Apologies

dreaded words of retrospect
bless me in ways i cant expect
drag me farther and further down
spit on my grave when im in the ground

curse my name and put me to shame
you speak like im to blame
you're so fucked up and insane
you keep dragging me down

when you part your lips you spit fire
you lose yourself, driven by desire
you work so hard, begin to perspire
it all falls apart, youre a horrible liar.


Broken Down, and Apart.

you said you wouldnt forget
you said you wouldnt cry
you said you would remember me
as you kissed me goodbye.

you said you would talk to me
you said you wouldnt lie
you said you would support me
when i was ready to die

lets sit in a circle
and close our eyes
lets dream of lands
of unclouded skies
lets think of places
we want to be
lets vision mountains
never seen
.....
bring it down
to the ground
make it bleed
make it scream
....

i got a bad idea
lets make it worse
i got a dirty thought
time to get perverse

we the people for hire
the ones that perspire
giving away our souls
the waste all around us

the slow handed killers
that strike in the night
gummi bears and soft hugs
give way to our feelings

the pain without feeling
cant you see what you've done
to my heart and soul?
its forgotten, but not romantic

pass me in a car of you
i cant say your name
with a smile on my lips
pass me up again.

carrot cake and Easter
rabbits and Gods own Son
what do you want from me?
im not the killer of men

double spaced and rehearsed
but still nervous and perverse
Johnny looks from heaven
exposed his intentions of me

just a slow dance, a pole dance
pick up a harmonic harmonica
dance when you need to
but dont turn around to speak

the silence of the stars is falling
and i cannot hear you shout
our lives are slowly slipping
but you still wont put out

a shot rings out
a body falls
blood covers your boots
blood spurts
your heart hurts
is this what death is?

i cannont copy the words so gracefully spoken
nor can i fix the heart so recently broken
my tongue and mind keep me from doing so
but my hands and my heart do not know
they fly to the wound to try and heal
but the heart knows not how to feel
through my lips an apology uttered
my mind tripped up and i stuttered
forgiveness sought but not found
like trying to walk on liquid ground
not sure what to say, or when to speak
not saying im too strong, but rather weak

soft wing'd birds of prey
feast on red flesh all day
gliding above the burning cities
stench of death fills the air
corpses lay on the cobblestone
filling the ancient cracks with blood
is this where honor lay
mixed in with the clay
in the dead and bloody
in the frost and muddy
Pin these medals of the Grave
upon the chests of the brave
the dead only know one thing:
that they are dead
and silence brings no mercy
pack them up in a box of pine
to the home that they call divine
put them under their empire of dirt
where they mixed the blood to the earth
and gave the lives just to be beneath

i used the blade again
it touched my cold skin
i cut away my flesh
and bled away my sin

the blood tricked slowly
it pooled on the ground
i felt so much lighter
without this thorny crown

the pain is not yet gone
i dont think its real
as my head grows heavy
im still trying to feel

my life is not my own. sounds drastic? i let myself be molded to the people i keep as friends. each person gets a slightly dilluted version of who i am. I like classical, all kinds of rock, opera, and only selective r&b and rap. I can sing country music, but i cant dance. I used to play the violin, but i shut that door a long time ago. I doubt it will open again. One of the dreams that i have is to be in a musical, or in a movie. I think im an average person, only huge and super tall. I am overshadowed by my family, and the pressure as the youngest is sometimes overwhelming. My dads kids are all perfect and spotless, and my mothers are quite the opposite. Im stuck in the middle, with no way out. I can read super fast out loud, and only do it when someone tells me to. I am a physical person, i try to touch people when im talking to them, unless im uncomfortable around you. If i say i love you I mean it. If i dont say it i probably love you anyway. The best time to talk to me is when we are alone in person. I get distracted easily. I write tons and tons of poetry, but every line is worthless and worst then the last. I believe i have a multitude of undiscovered talents, but only because i havent found a real talent yet. i tend to pry and be long winded. i am open about myself and expect others to be too. I dont smoke or drink around friends, or myself. i believe anything with the word "classic" should be common knowlegde before you enter college. i like cats more then dogs, but only the fat lazy cats. i have a friend that is allergic to peanut butter. I love cooking, but not teaching others how to cook. (peter still cant make decent stir fry or fried rice) I have tons of super attractive friends, but I always feel i am inferior to them. I think for me to keep a girl friend, i must learn how to nail jello to a wall, then convince it to stay there under its own will power. I try not to say goodbye, because its too final or an expression. I have been to more weddings the funerals, but thats the only time i meet all of my family.

stop
dont talk
just listen
teardrops glisten
slow down
it wonit wont last
live your life
forget the past
more frit wont last
live your life
forget the past
more fragile then glass
it wont last
live your life
forget the past
more fragile then glass
one slip and shatteit wont last
live your life
forget the past
more fragile then glass
one slip and shattered
you say it doesnt matter
is that what you really meant to say
becuase the pain wont go away

attraction is what i hope to find
its what im trying to seek
although its not going well
its only halfway through the week

i know i can find a special friend
through the good times and bad
someone i can have and hold
a person i wish i always had

i dont know when i will find her
or even if she will come to me
i guess im kinda hoping
that she will complete me

or maybe im to be alone
walking my own way through
its not really what i had in mind
but i guess it will have to do

how can you turn your back
on the ones you say you love
with everyone watching
and looking down from above

how can you judge what
the others decide
when its someone else
that you hide behind

dont tell me an excuse
it just wont do
im smarter then that
im just too used to you

i cant say im scared
of the truth or lies
im tired of hearing you complain
when you say your goodbyes

how do you sleep at night
knowing what you do
ripping out the hearts
like some kind of voodoo

something sacred is what
you want to call friends
is that what it really is?
hanging on until the end?

can you give up on the ones
that you love and cherish
or will you let go of this feeling
and let it disolve and perish?

is it just a hairline fracture
in your heart and being,
or is there something more
hidden in a diffuse meaning

tell me what you need to say
think first before you speak
i want all of your feelings
not the half truths you seek

call me a friend once again
before the door is locked
but the door should always open
becuase i already knocked

how does poetry breathe lazy?
i think its kinda crazy
do you need something
a little more upbeat
feel the heat
its kinda hott
just kidding
too bad im not
are these lines too short?
is it my true feelings im trying to contort?
but back to poem
i dont know where im goin
fuck it
this time i didnt
double click

ok. so i edited this one for sensitive viewers. A full copy can be obtained from the author with a hand written note sent to his email.

i just had to express the kinda things i repress and get it off my chest so i would lie to myself and so many others about how she had ------------------- and she lied and denied it but she couldnt hide it so i put it out in the open becuase i didnt want it to stay inside. but thats not she really did before she stopped talking and stopped being a friend, she kinda used me and abused me and when you and i talked it got me to thinking about why im so upset and i just couldnt deal with the way that i feel, but i know its over but the hardest part of hanging on is letting go, but its also trying to let it show.

to the end of our days!
to the beginning of new ways
to the ideals of happiness
to the memories i've kept inside

with the silence I keep
for the times that I weep
can you stay with me
only for just a little while

with your sad struck smile
knowing its only for a little while
to the old, to the wise
to the ones with old souls

keep not your secrets inside
its really not worth trying to hide
but keep it altogether
lest we all fall apart

can you plead with me
or do you never bleed
your hands are so cold
are you still alive?

Where have you gone?
Or is it something gone wrong?
Tell me, I need to know
No more secrets, no more lies

Can you hear the silence creep
Like a stain of blood starting to seep
Dark and irreverent, soulless
But better in the end of it

Now we are here all intact
A pretty simple feat in fact
Not hard if you close your eyes
And say a silent prayer

But better then it sounds
A new freedom we’ve found
Fright less and fight less
A far, far better place then alone

can you answer my questions
can you stop telling lies
can you keep still a moment
while i wipe tears from my eyes