urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool dont get your hopes up. jjeiscool 2008-02-23T18:48:41Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:30231 2008-02-23T18:48:41Z 2008-02-23T18:48:41Z So i've been here almost two months and it feels like i've known some of these people my whole life. Its crazy. And these people have some great follow through too. Thats the weird thing about people at job corps, they seem to be more real than some other people. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:30043 2007-03-11T05:17:22Z 2007-03-11T05:17:22Z DISCLAIMER: I WAS ANGRY, HURT, AND TIRED WHEN WRITING THIS. THATS NOT AN EXCUSE, BUT ITS WHY IT SOUNDS SO ANGRY. I STILL LOVE YOU ALL. REALLY, I DO. I JUST GET PISSED THAT THIS HAPPENS. <br /><br />so there are a bunch of you out there who call yourselves my "friends". Yeah, fuck all of you. i didnt think i would ever really write a letter like this, but i am...i would have posted it on myspace, so all of you could really see it, and read it, then hate me for it. The people who said they would write to me, call me, email me. I know you all have lives, and most likely they are more eventful than mine. Thats not really the point. it takes what, five minutes to write me an email? maybe an hour to write a letter? You sure have enough fucking time to go and get smashed or go and party. I know this sounds bad, i expect you to take time out that you could have to spend with the friends that are physically there with you. Dont forget the countless times i have driven you all around, paid for food, booze, movies, gas when im not driving amongst the plethora of other things that ive been there for you for. So i think you should all just go fuck yourselves. Its not that im really replacing you all with people up here, even though the people up here will meet you someplace when you want them to, or just generally be there for you when you need them. im sure you guys are having "a super hard time and a stressful life" fuck that too. no you arent. when was the last time you all had to pick up all of your shit and leave your friends? or have your friends get mixed up in some drugs and leave? its weird, even the people that have left here still talk to me more often than the people that i left behind. I used to be unsure about me going to the advanced training in San Fransisco, but now im sure i need to. I need to put some distance between me and the past for a while. I need you guys. My eatonites. i hate myself a little more each day because i feel like its my fault for leaving. I blame myself a lot. I might be at home for a week during the summer since im going to south dakota. i might spend all my time with nate again since he is pretty cool and he was the one that would call me when he wanted to hang out. or he would pay for gas. and food. i might just go to colorado springs and hang out with all the Great Friends that i have there. I dunno. IM pretty pissed right now. I had an 80 page notebook that i used for writting letters in. there are like 8 pages left. People that i didnt really count as great friends write me all the time. its tiring. everyday at mail call i expect to recieve some glorious letter from a great friend, but it never shows. i think im just bitching too much, nobody is going to read this anyway. so fuck that too. i dont know what to do with all of you . i still love you, and i will dedicate my useless time to you. i will write you letters, email, and call you. even if you leave me hanging...or if i call you and you only talk to me for 3 minutes because you have better things to do. Love is what drives me, hatred is what feeds me. hahaha. so yeah. talk to you bitches later. MUCH LOVE!!! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:29740 2006-12-17T22:11:29Z 2006-12-17T22:11:29Z you think you have it all<br />then its blown to ashes<br />loving people deeply<br />wishing on eyelashes<br /><br />you think its all together<br />until it falls apart<br />until you find youre missing<br />you unneeded heart<br /><br />finding yourself wishing<br />things could always change<br />its your future you are pissing<br />and flushing down the drain<br /><br />dont give yourself up yet<br />its hardly ever over<br />find a different path of life<br />and your fourleaf clover urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:29523 2006-11-08T05:30:30Z 2006-11-08T05:30:30Z how can i say goodbye<br />when im not there<br />how can you say you love me<br />when you never cared?<br /><br />turn me away from you<br />tear me open from within<br />hold my beating heart<br />and bless my sacred sin<br /><br />I cant look you in the eyes<br />with a smile on my face<br />I know why you did it<br />you had to put me in my place<br /><br />My body is laying down<br />time taking me away<br />Im almost gone from you<br />Im almost under the ground urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:29428 2006-11-04T06:43:07Z 2006-11-04T06:43:27Z seperate my soul from bone<br />rip my tender flesh away<br />cut away my memories<br />and leave me wth my pain<br /><br />dredge my mind for feeling<br />take me down a notch or two<br />analyze my thoughts of love<br />you wont find what you always knew<br /><br /><br />Death Always Knocks<br /><br />The walls that surround me <br />are slowly closing in<br />im screaming silently<br />and collapsing from within<br /><br />im trying to escape<br />im clawing my way out<br />my future seems so distant<br />my time is running out<br /><br />the ceiling pushing down <br />my bones begin to break<br />my sould is being crushed<br />and my heart begins to ache<br /><br />I have flashbacks of times<br />unclouded skies and smiles<br />I still smell the sweet air<br />it lingers for a little while<br /><br />Death himself has arrived<br />and answer appears to me<br />i want to end it now<br />i want to die and bleed<br /><br />He knocks at the door<br />and i begin to figure<br />if he barges in i'll answer<br />with the pull of a trigger. <br /><br /><br />Apprehensive Apologies<br /><br />dreaded words of retrospect<br />bless me in ways i cant expect<br />drag me farther and further down<br />spit on my grave when im in the ground<br /><br />curse my name and put me to shame<br />you speak like im to blame<br />you're so fucked up and insane<br />you keep dragging me down<br /><br />when you part your lips you spit fire<br />you lose yourself, driven by desire<br />you work so hard, begin to perspire<br />it all falls apart, youre a horrible liar. <br /><br /><br />Broken Down, and Apart.<br /><br />you said you wouldnt forget <br />you said you wouldnt cry<br />you said you would remember me<br />as you kissed me goodbye. <br /><br />you said you would talk to me<br />you said you wouldnt lie<br />you said you would support me<br />when i was ready to die urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:28954 2006-10-03T02:54:24Z 2006-10-03T02:54:24Z lets sit in a circle<br />and close our eyes<br />lets dream of lands<br />of unclouded skies<br />lets think of places<br />we want to be<br />lets vision mountains<br />never seen<br />.....<br />bring it down<br />to the ground<br />make it bleed<br />make it scream<br />.... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:28819 2006-05-16T14:49:15Z 2006-05-16T14:49:15Z i got a bad idea<br />lets make it worse<br />i got a dirty thought<br />time to get perverse urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:28430 2006-04-19T22:40:25Z 2006-04-19T22:40:25Z we the people for hire<br />the ones that perspire<br />giving away our souls<br />the waste all around us<br /><br />the slow handed killers<br />that strike in the night<br />gummi bears and soft hugs<br />give way to our feelings<br /><br />the pain without feeling<br />cant you see what you've done<br />to my heart and soul?<br />its forgotten, but not romantic<br /><br />pass me in a car of you<br />i cant say your name<br />with a smile on my lips<br />pass me up again.<br /><br />carrot cake and Easter<br />rabbits and Gods own Son<br />what do you want from me?<br />im not the killer of men<br /><br />double spaced and rehearsed<br />but still nervous and perverse<br />Johnny looks from heaven<br />exposed his intentions of me<br /><br />just a slow dance, a pole dance<br />pick up a harmonic harmonica<br />dance when you need to<br />but dont turn around to speak<br /><br />the silence of the stars is falling<br />and i cannot hear you shout<br />our lives are slowly slipping<br />but you still wont put out urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:28168 2006-04-05T04:05:23Z 2006-04-05T04:11:51Z a shot rings out<br />a body falls<br />blood covers your boots<br />blood spurts <br />your heart hurts<br />is this what death is? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:28045 2006-04-03T05:29:40Z 2006-04-03T05:29:40Z i cannont copy the words so gracefully spoken<br />nor can i fix the heart so recently broken<br />my tongue and mind keep me from doing so<br />but my hands and my heart do not know<br />they fly to the wound to try and heal<br />but the heart knows not how to feel<br />through my lips an apology uttered<br />my mind tripped up and i stuttered<br />forgiveness sought but not found<br />like trying to walk on liquid ground<br />not sure what to say, or when to speak<br />not saying im too strong, but rather weak urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:27856 2006-04-02T02:57:02Z 2006-04-02T02:57:02Z soft wing'd birds of prey<br />feast on red flesh all day<br />gliding above the burning cities<br />stench of death fills the air<br />corpses lay on the cobblestone<br />filling the ancient cracks with blood<br />is this where honor lay<br />mixed in with the clay<br />in the dead and bloody<br />in the frost and muddy<br />Pin these medals of the Grave<br />upon the chests of the brave<br />the dead only know one thing:<br />that they are dead<br />and silence brings no mercy<br />pack them up in a box of pine<br />to the home that they call divine<br />put them under their empire of dirt<br />where they mixed the blood to the earth<br />and gave the lives just to be beneath urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:27491 2006-03-25T23:29:06Z 2006-03-25T23:29:06Z i used the blade again<br />it touched my cold skin<br />i cut away my flesh<br />and bled away my sin<br /><br />the blood tricked slowly<br />it pooled on the ground<br />i felt so much lighter<br />without this thorny crown<br /><br />the pain is not yet gone<br />i dont think its real<br />as my head grows heavy<br />im still trying to feel urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:27341 2006-03-25T06:16:16Z 2006-03-25T06:16:16Z my life is not my own. sounds drastic? i let myself be molded to the people i keep as friends. each person gets a slightly dilluted version of who i am. I like classical, all kinds of rock, opera, and only selective r&b and rap. I can sing country music, but i cant dance. I used to play the violin, but i shut that door a long time ago. I doubt it will open again. One of the dreams that i have is to be in a musical, or in a movie. I think im an average person, only huge and super tall. I am overshadowed by my family, and the pressure as the youngest is sometimes overwhelming. My dads kids are all perfect and spotless, and my mothers are quite the opposite. Im stuck in the middle, with no way out. I can read super fast out loud, and only do it when someone tells me to. I am a physical person, i try to touch people when im talking to them, unless im uncomfortable around you. If i say i love you I mean it. If i dont say it i probably love you anyway. The best time to talk to me is when we are alone in person. I get distracted easily. I write tons and tons of poetry, but every line is worthless and worst then the last. I believe i have a multitude of undiscovered talents, but only because i havent found a real talent yet. i tend to pry and be long winded. i am open about myself and expect others to be too. I dont smoke or drink around friends, or myself. i believe anything with the word "classic" should be common knowlegde before you enter college. i like cats more then dogs, but only the fat lazy cats. i have a friend that is allergic to peanut butter. I love cooking, but not teaching others how to cook. (peter still cant make decent stir fry or fried rice) I have tons of super attractive friends, but I always feel i am inferior to them. I think for me to keep a girl friend, i must learn how to nail jello to a wall, then convince it to stay there under its own will power. I try not to say goodbye, because its too final or an expression. I have been to more weddings the funerals, but thats the only time i meet all of my family. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:27008 2006-03-25T05:32:42Z 2006-03-25T05:32:42Z stop<br />dont talk<br />just listen<br />teardrops glisten<br />slow down<br />it wonit wont last<br />live your life<br />forget the past<br />more frit wont last<br />live your life<br />forget the past<br />more fragile then glass<br />it wont last<br />live your life<br />forget the past<br />more fragile then glass<br />one slip and shatteit wont last<br />live your life<br />forget the past<br />more fragile then glass<br />one slip and shattered<br />you say it doesnt matter<br />is that what you really meant to say<br />becuase the pain wont go away urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:26828 2006-03-22T15:30:56Z 2006-03-22T15:30:56Z attraction is what i hope to find<br />its what im trying to seek<br />although its not going well<br />its only halfway through the week<br /><br />i know i can find a special friend<br />through the good times and bad<br />someone i can have and hold<br />a person i wish i always had<br /><br />i dont know when i will find her<br />or even if she will come to me<br />i guess im kinda hoping<br />that she will complete me<br /><br />or maybe im to be alone<br />walking my own way through <br />its not really what i had in mind<br />but i guess it will have to do urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:26623 2006-03-04T05:54:53Z 2006-03-04T05:54:53Z how can you turn your back<br />on the ones you say you love<br />with everyone watching<br />and looking down from above<br /><br />how can you judge what<br />the others decide<br />when its someone else<br />that you hide behind<br /><br />dont tell me an excuse<br />it just wont do<br />im smarter then that<br />im just too used to you<br /><br />i cant say im scared<br />of the truth or lies<br />im tired of hearing you complain<br />when you say your goodbyes<br /><br />how do you sleep at night<br />knowing what you do<br />ripping out the hearts <br />like some kind of voodoo<br /><br />something sacred is what <br />you want to call friends<br />is that what it really is?<br />hanging on until the end?<br /><br />can you give up on the ones<br />that you love and cherish<br />or will you let go of this feeling<br />and let it disolve and perish?<br /><br />is it just a hairline fracture<br />in your heart and being, <br />or is there something more<br />hidden in a diffuse meaning<br /><br />tell me what you need to say<br />think first before you speak<br />i want all of your feelings<br />not the half truths you seek<br /><br />call me a friend once again<br />before the door is locked<br />but the door should always open<br />becuase i already knocked urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:26126 2006-02-18T04:57:26Z 2006-02-18T04:57:26Z how does poetry breathe lazy?<br />i think its kinda crazy<br />do you need something <br />a little more upbeat<br />feel the heat<br />its kinda hott<br />just kidding<br />too bad im not<br />are these lines too short?<br />is it my true feelings im trying to contort?<br />but back to poem<br />i dont know where im goin<br />fuck it<br />this time i didnt<br />double click urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:26096 2006-02-18T04:54:02Z 2006-02-18T04:54:02Z ok. so i edited this one for sensitive viewers. A full copy can be obtained from the author with a hand written note sent to his email. <br /><br />i just had to express the kinda things i repress and get it off my chest so i would lie to myself and so many others about how she had ------------------- and she lied and denied it but she couldnt hide it so i put it out in the open becuase i didnt want it to stay inside. but thats not she really did before she stopped talking and stopped being a friend, she kinda used me and abused me and when you and i talked it got me to thinking about why im so upset and i just couldnt deal with the way that i feel, but i know its over but the hardest part of hanging on is letting go, but its also trying to let it show. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:25737 2006-02-17T04:43:36Z 2006-02-17T04:43:36Z to the end of our days!<br />to the beginning of new ways<br />to the ideals of happiness<br />to the memories i've kept inside<br /><br />with the silence I keep<br />for the times that I weep<br />can you stay with me<br />only for just a little while<br /><br />with your sad struck smile<br />knowing its only for a little while<br />to the old, to the wise<br />to the ones with old souls<br /><br />keep not your secrets inside<br />its really not worth trying to hide<br />but keep it altogether<br />lest we all fall apart<br /><br />can you plead with me<br />or do you never bleed<br />your hands are so cold<br />are you still alive?<br /><br />Where have you gone?<br />Or is it something gone wrong?<br />Tell me, I need to know<br />No more secrets, no more lies<br /><br />Can you hear the silence creep<br />Like a stain of blood starting to seep<br />Dark and irreverent, soulless<br />But better in the end of it<br /><br />Now we are here all intact<br />A pretty simple feat in fact<br />Not hard if you close your eyes<br />And say a silent prayer<br /><br />But better then it sounds<br />A new freedom we’ve found<br />Fright less and fight less<br />A far, far better place then alone urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:25535 2006-02-15T12:58:38Z 2006-02-15T12:58:38Z can you answer my questions<br />can you stop telling lies<br />can you keep still a moment<br />while i wipe tears from my eyes urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:25266 2006-02-12T05:38:08Z 2006-02-12T05:38:08Z To let your soul get marked with desire<br />Is to light one another fire <br />To within the lights of your burnings<br />Is yet to furnish other yearnings<br /><br />So hold back your selfish hand<br />And taste the bitter taste of bland<br />For your time is yet to overcome<br />The stillness of the heart urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:24952 2006-02-07T03:09:13Z 2006-02-07T03:09:13Z i ask myself so many questions i cant bear to even start to comprehend the answers to. the answers that will cut my as much as help me get over what is holding me back. Is it still there? is that what that nagging feeling is whenever i think about it? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:24762 2006-01-16T06:01:26Z 2006-01-16T06:01:26Z you try to push me away and say i cant stay becuase i might see the sin that you keep within trying to hide behind the lies and disguise and try to bury your past but it catches up too fast and you cant keep track because your losing control but you dont know so you throw it all away so you dont have to deal with it today but i wanna say that i really care but you arent really there, but you keep it all inside and your trying to hide the pain in your brain thats driving you insane but the scars on your skin show whats eating you from within but the pain is just to real just like your scars that never really heal becuase you dont know how to deal becuase you wont let people see or try to believe that theres someone else thats you but that you already knew because you dont show what people wanna know becuase your too afraid of love the kind from God above becuase you might get hurt and you wont know what to do, because the feeling is new becuase you wont share becuase you dont care. so shout and let it all out because how can you keep it together when its not even there. now close your eyes and listen to the cries of the life that passed you by becuase you were too self aware, and full of shame becuase you didnt know the game- the life you chose could have rose into a beautiful flower, you could have had the power but now its gone. So break down your walls and start answering my calls because i care, and i do try to be there and i know its love, but do you? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:24521 2005-12-26T08:49:34Z 2005-12-26T08:49:34Z when you jump to the cieling dont hit your head<br />the last thing i need is a monkey to be dead<br />so please, get your head out of the sky<br />i dont want people asking me why why why?<br /><br />so lets do it, just drop it and be free<br />why cant you just run away with me?<br />you cant say its your condition<br />when its me that sees the apparition<br /><br />so take a slice of lovin, tender care<br />but make sure you dont swallow that angel hair<br />sure you get all sorts of magical bits<br />but you also get the monsterous shits urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jjeiscool:24178 2005-12-26T08:45:50Z 2005-12-26T08:45:50Z so check me out and say what you see<br />your reflections of my inside cant hurt me<br />im the one that lives my life and not you<br />so why dont you realize this and get a clue